The last few months, God has been revealing a lot of areas in my life that have needed change. I am so grateful for His grace and forgiveness. However, there is one major area in my life that I have been holding on to for a few years now. It’s a desire of mine that I keep pleading with God to give to me and “be right” (if that makes any sense). I have felt hurt, rejected and mistreated. I have also let the bitterness and anger from this situation grow in my heart. It is an area that I keep “giving” to the Lord, asking Him to fill that void, but not really giving it over to him. The peace I have felt is only temporary, and after time the anger starts to come back and it has been a vicious, endless cycle.
Last week I realized how much this bitterness was overtaking my life. It started building again over last week, and by Saturday afternoon I LOST it. The kids misbehaving was the trigger, but it really wasn’t the kids that I was really angry at. My husband looked at my reaction in shock, and I knew by the look on his face that I needed to figure this out. We talked over nap time, and it was clear that there was a lot of anger and bitterness in my heart. Of course, I couldn’t sleep that night….and I had terrible morning sickness on Sunday morning. I knew Satan was trying his best to keep me from going to church, but I was determined and somehow mustered up the energy to get us all ready. There was even a few times in the service I thought I was going to have to leave, but I knew I needed to listen to the message. Through the sermon, the Holy Spirit convicted me so greatly about this specific area of my life that I have been holding on to. I realized how much it has affected me, as well as my family. How much I was letting lies take control of my thought life. How this “good thing” that I have desired for so long and think is best for my family, isn’t necessarily what God wants in my life right now. I prayed in my seat right there. That God would forgive me for being so angry, for holding on to bitterness, for not trusting Him, and for thinking my way was better than His. It’s amazing the freedom that I immediately felt.
Fast forward a few hours to small group. Again, I have been struggling with extreme nausea around the clock…but I knew that by going I would be encouraged spiritually. We discussed Rule 5 out of the Red Sea Rules….”Stay Calm and Confident, and give God time to work.”
“Moses said to the people Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.”
– Exodus 14:13-14
“I cannot solve every problem, cure every hurt, or avoid every fear, but I can leave room for God. I don’t have the answer to every dilemma, but I can leave room for God to work. I can’t do the impossible, but He is able to do “exceedingly abundantly above all” that I could ask or imagine. The Lord delights in the impossible.” (page 50 of the Red Sea Rules)
“Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him…Do not fret – it only causes harm.”
God can accomplish anything in his timing if it’s HIS will, not because I think it should be accomplished. Waiting is exactly the opposite of what I have been doing….I have been doing a LOT of forcing and trying to make things work. I’ve also been doing a lot of negative and fearful thinking. I have let my emotions take control of my thought life. The truth was brought up in small group, that we can take control of our thoughts. No matter how much we are hurting, how we have been wronged, how tired we are, how sick we are….what time of month it is….we can choose to think on truth. This is where I struggle so greatly….it has just been such a natural reaction to go straight to my emotions and think selfishly. It has been easy to blame sin on lack of sleep, pregnancy hormones and stress. The last couple days when those thoughts have come up, I have said a verse to myself….I have prayed….and I have really felt a real peace about the situation. I have seen that what I have desired for so long is not what I NEED. I need to give this situation completely over to God. I need to feel secure, loved and accepted by God. I need to rest in Him to take care of me and my family. He is doing just that….and will continue to do that I just have to rest in Him.
We sang this song at the end of the service on Sunday, and it also keeps coming to mind over the last couple days. My favorite line…“The Lord has promised Good to me, His word my hope secures”.
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
Will be forever mine.
You are forever mine.