Worn.

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It’s been a while since I have been able to blog.   There hasn’t been much down time lately.  There has been a lot of running kids to school, cleaning, disciplining and crying.  Last week was filled with some disappointments (on my end) and I got very discouraged and down.  By Thursday I had completely let exhaustion, negative thinking and stress get the best of me.  My tipping point happened while talking to the AT&T lady (for the second time that week) about our internet.  I was sitting with Beckham on the floor as Lauren hurls a handful of marbles straight at us, the TV and the computer.  I came unglued.  I yelled, everyone was sent to their room, I cried on the phone, and when I found out Landon was going to be late coming home…I picked a fight with him.  I went to bed that night just beside myself – the only thing I felt was discouragement.  I felt like a failure.  I felt inadequate.  I thought what I needed was a break….but what I really needed was Jesus.

I won’t lie…having four kids has been a huge adjustment for me.  I have struggled with keeping up these last few months…sometimes it’s hard for me to accomplish things that were so simple before.  Mornings start at 5 a.m. and I don’t even have time to sit until I got to bed at 10 p.m. most nights.  I feel spent by the end of the day, and sometimes feel like all I do is wipe noses, slave away in the kitchen, run the laundry machine, and sweep the crumbs from the kitchen floor.  I start to compare myself with everyone around me, and I try to please everyone…these two things are my both areas I struggle with.  I started to spend too much time focusing on these things which helped contribute to my downward spiral when I eventually lost it.  When I got off the phone Thursday afternoon, Lauren walked up to me and hugged my neck.  “Mommy please don’t cry, I love you so much”.  I hate that I lost my temper, I hate that I reacted in anger, but most of all I hate that I was starting to resent my job as a mother.  I won’t lie and say it is glamorous, but at the end of the day…my job is where God has me right now, and I have four beautiful children who call me mommy and hug my neck before bed.

I’m learning.  I’m learning to let go of little things….I’m learning to let them be little…I’m learning to be patient…I’m learning to forgive as Christ has forgiven me…I’m learning how to love these little people that God entrusted me with.

A song that kept coming to my mind last week was “Worn” .  I’m thankful again, for His forgiveness…that He CAN use me to be a light to my children and to others.  I know that that exhaustion and struggles are pushing me towards Him.  I’m thankful for His mercies that are new each morning.

“Worn”
I’m Tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this worldAnd I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

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4 thoughts on “Worn.

  1. I hear you mama. I have five little ones and it’s an ongoing, daily struggle. I too wrestle with losing my temper and going a little crazy. I am so very blessed, and along with the blessings have come a complete stripping away of my inner self, driving me to be more dependent on God than I ever have been. That in itself has been part of the blessing. You are definitely not alone.

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