All I have every wanted was to be a mom. I have always loved kids, and couldn’t wait to have some of my own.
My journey through motherhood has been a whirlwind. Our “five year plan” turned in to a honeymoon baby, a set of twins, and a surprise little boy who was born last year to complete our family. We have four kids under the age of five. I wouldn’t want it any other way but….
I. am. exhausted.
There are days where I wish I could have just a thirty minute break to sit in silence. Days where I sit in my bathroom and cry. Days when I feel like a complete failure as a mother.
I have been struggling lately. Struggling to find the JOY in motherhood. Last weekend rounded out a pretty hard week for me emotionally. I spent most of that Sunday night crying to my husband, and complaining about how tired and frustrated I was. He went to our bed and started watching videos of Brooke, Lily and Lauren when they were babies. My heart broke in a million pieces. I was so happy….you could tell the joy and happiness that I had as a mother…enjoying all those little moments with my children. I decided I needed to find that joy again.
I’ve got the most important job in the world. I have four sets of eyes watching everything I do. I don’t want to look back in a few years and think about how HARD this period of my life is. I want to look back and think about how much happiness we had in our home. How I let myself find joy in HIM, and how that spilled out into my family. I don’t want to get lost in the laundry, a messy home, the dirty dishes and the sleepless nights. I want our home to be filled with laughter. I want to be a Godly example to my kids. I want to be patient, loving, kind and full of joy.
We have been making some sweet memories together over the last couple weeks. Since the twins would be missing several days of school, we decided to keep them out for the month of May. I talked to a few moms Wednesday and they were reminding me of the Mother’s Day Tea at the school (not realizing we were out of school). I cried a few times that night, then woke up Thursday morning in tears over the fact that I would be missing that special time with the twins. I’m not sure why I was so emotional about it…but I was. When I picked Brooke up from school she ran to the car with the cutest little gift bag. Her eyes were so sweet…she has been waiting all week to bring that gift home! She smiled and watched my every move as I read the card and opened my gift. It was exactly what I needed. I cried as I read the last answer to that little survey. Sometimes I feel like I am just disciplining, ordering, shuffling the kids around. She remembers me saying “I love you” the most.
I have made SO many mistakes and I’m learning a LOT along the way. I’m thankful for God’s grace, and the fact that he has entrusted me with four beautiful children. I want to soak these moments in….because I literally blinked and six years just flew by. I want to remember being happy….wiping these noses, rocking the baby, answering a million questions, making peanut butter and jellies, cleaning up messes. I know I’ll blink a few more times and wish I could go back in time and do all those things again.