I’m insecure…about too many things. My husband and friends are nodding in agreement. One thing I have really been struggling with since I had Beckham has been the inability to lose weight.
Let’s rewind to college days and my wedding day. I was probably about 15 pounds “heavier” than I am now. I never once thought I was overweight. I ate my Big Macs, BoBerry Biscuits and Zaxby’s proudly. So….yes…I could have been a lot healthier, but I was happy and confident. After Brooke was born I dropped to about 25 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight, and after the twins I dropped down to about 40 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight. I was VERY sick during my pregnancies, nursed all the girls to the age of one, and was more conscious about what I was putting into my body. Due to all the vomiting, I have to stay away from certain foods (acidic, fried, red meats) because the trigger horrible stomach aches and vomiting for me, so that helped as well. Before Beckham was born, I had gained some weight back and then found out I was pregnant. Third baby, almost thirty two years old, and my body is just not bouncing back like it used to.
I’m going to be honest…mainly because it helps me (and i’m always hoping it will encourage someone else who is struggling with the same thing). There are times where I won’t go to the store because I can’t find anything to wear and I’m embarrassed. Every Sunday morning tears are shed as I try to find something to wear. I know…I sound crazy. What makes it even worse is that I compare myself to everyone around me….to the standards set by the world of what is beautiful. As I sat and thought about my struggle this morning, I realized how vain I have become and how I have been telling God that He has not made me perfect the way I am.
Here’s the truth…I eat healthy, have sporadic treats and stay active. I have had four kids, and my “free” time is spent working and cleaning. I’m not going to be a size ***, I’m not going to have the body of a twenty year old, and I probably won’t be able to wear any of my old clothes again. And that NEEDS to be ok. I don’t need to strive to be anything other than what God wants me to be. I know I need to do the best I can to be healthy and take care of myself. God grew four precious babies in this body…and there is no need to feel insecure.
I’m going to start saying this verse every time these thought come into my head…
“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” -Psalm 139:14
I started thinking about this heavily over the weekend. Our family sat at In-N-Out burger after being in the car for almost 6 hours. I sat there with no make-up, bun, feeling crazy, feeding four kids….insecure about myself because we draw a lot of attention to ourselves when we are out. A sweet lady came up to me to tell me how beautiful my children were, and how beautiful I was. I almost cried. I want others to see inner beauty. A mom that shows love to her kids, love to others and has a sweet spirit. How can I be that person when I am too concerned with how I look or if I have rolls when I sit down???
It’s so easy for me to focus on the external. I need to desire to become more like Christ…. to have a gentle and quiet spirit…to be thankful for His precious gifts…to be confident that I am perfectly made my him….to remember that I am accepted by Him. I want to be an example to my girls of a mother who is concerned with pleasing God, rather than a mother who is concerned about such temporal things. It’s going to be a difficult journey to change my mindset. I am thankful for Grace, truth, and forgiveness.