Oh…where do I begin. For the last 8 months, I feel like I have been fighting an emotional and physical battle with myself. I have struggled with sadness and sometimes anger. I look around me, and I have the most wonderful husband and kids that a woman could ask for. And for some reason I have let some extreme sadness overwhelm me. I feel like since Beckham has been born, I have been in a crazy whirlwind. I’ve never experienced a period of time that has gone by so quickly. My last little baby is crawling, the twins are going to preschool and Brooke is going to start kindergarten this fall. Every time those thoughts cross my mind I tear up and ask myself if I made the most of my time with Brooke when she was home….if I ruined them by yelling at them this morning…do they even know I love them?!? My mind can’t grasp the fact that from now on, Brooke will be in school for the next 13 years.
My body is exhausted, I am worn out. I try my hardest to meet all the needs of my family, while trying to meet the needs of everyone else around me. Why??? Because I want to be that perfect wife and mother…because I want to be accepted…because I want those strong friendships. I’m stretched completely thin, and I wonder why i can’t get everything done. I compare myself with others, and wonder why sometimes we don’t have things as “easy” as those around us (forgetting they have their own struggles). All of this boils down to one fact….God is not enough for me… and He needs to be.
The last few weeks I have tried my hardest to focus on what God has for me. My relationship with him, my husband and my kids. I have failed…time and time again. He has forgiven me each and every time. I need to live the gospel out in my life…I need my family to see that I need God’s grace. I need to stop holding myself to unattainable standards. I need to stop focusing on pleasing others. I have to start focusing on Christ and what He has for me. When my relationship with Him is right…and I am trusting Him…everything else will fall into line.
“If we want to give grace to our children, then first we must be willing to receive it ourselves from God. At some point, we will fail, and sometimes we will fall hard. Then we must boast in the gospel, because in it God mercifully gives us Christ to be our valued treasure. Things like “mommy guilt” cannot crush us because Christ was crushed on the cross in our stead. Jesus is our consistency, he fulfilled God’s highest expectations of perfection and in him all the promises of God find their yes. In him we find mercy in our time of need – which is always.” -Treasuring Christ when our Hands are Full
God has shown Himself to me in some amazing ways this last week. Through His word, through my Godly husband who always points me to Christ, through the prayers and encouragement of friends, through worship songs. He has given me a pretty amazing and important job. He hasn’t just left me alone to accomplish this job, but promises to walk with me each step of the way. I have fallen and failed miserably. He has forgiven. His mercies are new each morning.