It’s been a while since I have posted. There isn’t a lot of time to blog these day, but truthfully….another reason I haven’t posted is because things just have been hard. I’ve struggled so much with loneliness in the last few months….even more than usual. I’ve struggled with negative thoughts. I’ve struggled with patience….mostly with my children. I’ve felt like a complete failure….as a wife….as a mom…as a daughter. God has brought me through a lot of physical trials over the last few months, and has shown me His amazing love, and yet I’m always wanting more. I always want to be accepted and loved by others…putting way too much importance and focus in that area of my life.
People ask me often how I do it all….having four kids and managing my own business as well. From the outside…I’m sure it looks like I have it “all together”….but really…I don’t. I get stressed….and extremely exhausted when I over commit. God brought my appendectomy surgery surprise in December…which slowed me down for a few weeks, until I was back up to speed again. Not to mention the fact that our sweet little Beckham has struggled with ear infections, RSV, and the flu TIMES TWO! We have both visited the ER and Dr. offices a record breaking amount of times for only 2 months! Sunday morning, I landed in the ER again….this time having an extremely fast heart rate that began on Friday. When I say fast heart rate….it averages between 120-130, even while lying down. This has happened randomly since I was a teenager. Each time, it only lasts for a few hours…then subsides. I have never had an EKG during the episodes until Sunday. Everything life-threatening was ruled out, and after the heart rate was controlled, I was sent home with instructions to see my dr. as soon as possible. After my doctor reviewed the EKG the next day, she suspects I have a condition called SVT. Nothing serious, but I will visit with a Cardio, and find out different ways to lower my heart rate the next time I have an episode. I’m sure that all the stress I have put myself under contributed to the length of the episode.
I was in the ER for about 5 hours. It felt like an eternity…and during that time I began to feel sorry for myself, the loneliness took over, and I felt completely hopeless. I really just wanted to know why life has been so “hard” for us the last few months. Self-pity…it’s a horrible struggle.
Thankfully God has been so faithful, and has brought so many instances, verses, songs into my life this week that have brought me back to reality. Monday morning, I had to take Beckham to the ENT…I was so exhausted and didn’t know how I could do it all. I saw my sweet OBGYN outside as I left the medical building…he greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the forehead. He was an amazing Dr. during some very difficult pregnancies of mine…and a wonderful man of God! I can’t tell you how much I needed that hug, and how perfect the timing was that I saw Him out there. When I visited my Dr. monday afternoon, she said to me after listening to the events of the last couple months….”It seems like God gives us too much…more than than we can handle. But He never leaves us alone…He walks with us through the trials.” Amazing. God brought two people into my life that very day to show me His love…and wrap His loving arms around me through His people.
I want to share some of the verses that have been such an encouragement to me this week. I’m praying they will be an encouragement to you!
“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you” -Duet 31:6
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD.” Jeremiah 17:7
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Rom 8:28
“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace” Ephesians 1:7
“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” -Matthew 10:29-31
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” I Peter 5:6-7
I am so thankful for the amazing truth that He is enough…and that His love for me is unconditional and SO VAST. Nothing I can do will separate me from that love. His plans, everything He brings into my life, everything He takes away….it’s for my good. It’s for HIS glory.